Living Through an Early Pregnancy Loss: an Autoethnographic Account

Challenging the norm of silence around miscarriages in Indian society, this paper is my attempt at reflecting, documenting, and sharing the personal experience of living through an early pregnancy loss and subsequent grief. Here, I narrate the story of my "delayed miscarriage" and reflect on the implicit social scripts associated with pregnancy and motherhood in Indian metropolitan context. Additionally, I share the details of my encounters with various healthcare practitioners during the course of my short-lived pregnancy while simultaneously critiquing the healthcare practices adopted for patients of early pregnancy loss at hospitals in metropolitan cities in India. Methodologically, the inquiry adopts an autoethnographic approach wherein the researcher uses personal storytelling, self-reflection, and analysis to illuminate and theorize the cultural experiences and psychosocial meaning-making processes. "Pressures and contradictions of pregnancy scripts," "silent suffering and discounting of loss," "mystery of loss and meaning making," "alienation," "objectification of the pregnant body," and "busy business of healthcare" emerged as significant themes for discussion in the autoethnographic account. Through a discussion of these themes, I highlight the ways in which the implicit cultural scripts attached to pregnancy and motherhood take away agency from women. I further argue for the necessity of challenging the prevailing the trend of silent mourning after miscarriages in India to promote mental health and well-being of women. With respect to the healthcare practices in India, I advocate for implementation of an ethically grounded biopsychosocial approach to caring for early pregnancy loss to restore women's agency. Finally, reaffirming the autoethnographic stance, I discuss the possibility of healing through research and writing in the end.