Navigating the Dialogic Tensions and Self-Contradictions as a Bilingual Researcher

This autoethnography delineates how, I, as a bilingual researcher proficient in Korean and English, negotiated the tensions between conforming to Englishonly academic writing norms for survival in academia and embracing translingual writing practices during the composition of my dissertation. Based on the salient themes and repeating experiences that I penned in analytic memos, field notes and diaries, I meticulously rearranged the thoughts and emotions, weaving them into stream-of-consciousness-style narratives. Through this method, I aimed to vividly portray the inevitable tensions that might be experienced by numerous bilingual researchers speaking English as a second language. This autoethnography particularly portrays the troubles of conveying intricate cultural nuances when translating my research partners' Korean responses into English. Also, I detail the process of how I negotiated the dilemmas between artistic translingual writing and writing solely in English for a broader readership. Such detailing processes eventually prompted me to contemplate whether I truly embodied the transformative linguistic practices that I kept advocating for in my research projects. This autoethnography, although entailing vulnerability, ultimately underscores the significance of practicing self-reflexivity through crafting authentic and vivid narratives.