It's what I think you do that matters: Comparing self, partner, and shared perspectives of what a romantic partner does to regulate your emotions

Romantic partners routinely regulate each other's emotions; this phenomenon is known as extrinsic emotion regulation. Previous research investigating emotion regulation in couples has typically examined self-report of emotion regulation from only one member of the couple. It is therefore unclear how much romantic partners agree on which emotion regulation strategies their partner uses and whether this agreement or the unique perspective of each person is the stronger predictor of relationship quality. In the current study (N = 395 romantic couples), we applied a bifactor model to assess the extent to which extrinsic emotion regulation processes (expressive suppression, downward social comparison, humor, distraction, direct action, reappraisal, receptive listening, and valuing) related to relationship quality, comparing: (a) the unique perspective of the regulator, (b) the unique perspective of the target, and (c) the shared perspective (consensus) between the target and regulator. The results indicated that it is the target's, rather than the regulator's perspective of emotion regulation that predicts the relationship quality of both members of the romantic couple. Overall, these findings suggest that it is not what the regulator thinks they do to regulate their romantic partner's emotions that relates to relationship quality, but rather the target's perceptions of the regulation attempt. Romantic partners often try to manage each other's emotions, a process called extrinsic emotion regulation. Many prior studies have looked at this by asking only one person in the couple either about how they manage the emotional experiences of their partner, or how their partner has managed their own emotions. This means that there are still questions about whether and how much both partners agree on what things are said and done to make each other feel better, and whose view is more important for how they view the quality of their relationship. In our study with 395 couples, we looked at how different ways of trying to make each other feel better (like using humor, distracting them, or listening to them) related to each partner's perceived relationship quality. We compared three perspectives: (1) What the person trying to make their partner feel better (the regulator) thinks they do. (2) What the person whose emotions are being managed (the target) thinks their partner does. (3) How much both partners agree on what is being done. The results showed that the target's view (what the person being helped thinks their partner did to try and make them feel better) is more important for their relationship quality than the regulator's view (what the helper thinks they did to make their partner feel better). This means that how the person receiving the emotional help perceives the effort has a bigger impact on how both partners view the quality of their relationship, rather than what the person giving the help thinks they are doing.